The perfect literature for today's reader - wisdom in bite-sized pieces for the attention-span-impaired
The limerick form is complex
Its contents run chiefly to sex
It burgeons with virgins
And masculine urgins
And swarms with erotic effex.
One of the more famous limerick writers was Edward Lear (Book of Nonsense).
The comedian Ronnie Barker had a copy but improved Lear's efforts by modifying the last line:
There was an old fossil named Lear
Who's verses were boring and drear
His last lines were worst
Just the same as the first!
So I've tried to improve on them here.
There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
There once was a bear at the zoo
Who always had something to do
When it bored him, you know,
to go to and fro,
he reversed it and went fro and to.
When Titian was mixing rose madder
His model climbed up a ladder
Her position to Titian
So he sprang up the ladder and had 'er.
There once was a sculptor named Phidias
Whose manners in art were invidious
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie
Which startled the ultra fastidious.
An astronomess happily sang
"I've been screwed by the telescope gang.
They all had a bit of me
For I'm the epitome
Of the grandly impressive Big Bang."
There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia
The drawing was fine
The color divine
But the smell - ah that was a failure.
There once was a farmer named Hicks
Who used ewes for unusual tricks
And went on at such length
That he'd sapped all his strength
By the time that he turned ninety-six.
A Kiwi called Evan McGoo
Looked into the eyes of his ewe
Her Mum and Dad cried
As he made her his bride
(They hoped he would marry them, too!)
An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno
Said Sex is one thing I do know
Women are fine
And sheep are divine
But llamas are numero uno!
A young taxidermist named Ada
Whose wife said he'd often betrayed 'er
Was sued for divorce
For mounting a horse
A moose and a goose and a gator.
There was an old fellow named Avery
Whose habits were highly unsavoury
With devilish howls
He buggered young owls
Which he kept in his personal aviary.
There was an old man from Dundee,
Who molested an ape in a tree,
The result was most horrid,
All arse and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee!
The Bible in 5 lines
In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Caressing the mons of his madam
And he knew with elation
That in all of creation
There were only two balls and he had 'em
A Biblical worthy named Lot
Lived out where the action was hot.
Those guys out in Sodom?
Other guys had all rode 'em
Till God noticed and said, "Thou shalt not."
This guy has summarised the Bible in 101 limericks
The Bible, in Limerick verse
Can you think of anything worse!
But give it a read -
It's so easy - indeed!
You'll love it - and so will your purse.
A wonderful bird is the Pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belly can.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week!
But I’ll be darned if I know how the hellican?
A methodical fellow named Wade
Could recall every girl that he'd laid.
He recorded each poke
Every thrust, every stroke
And precisely how much that he'd paid.
In anything written by Dickens,
It's certain the plot always thickens;
With characters, themes
And digressions it teems;
As for sex, though, it's mighty slim pickin's.
Please don't tell me that sex doesn't matter.
It will sometimes make ladies grow fatter.
And then, don't you see
What was two becomes three
With that nerve-wracking sound - pitter, patter.
There was a young girl who begat
Triplets named Nat Tat and Pat
In was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
She found there was no tit for tat.
There once was a lady from France,
who decided she'd just take a chance.
So she let herself go
for a minute or so,
and now all her sisters are aunts!!
There was a young woman named Astor
Whose dress fitted tight as a plaster
But once when she sneezed
She felt a cold breeze
And knew she had met with disaster.
There was a young man from Cape Horn,
who wished he had never been born,
and he wouldn't have been,
if his father had seen
that the tip of the rubber was Torn !
A man with throbbing erection
who had forgotten sexual protection,
took a roll on the floor
with a questionable whore,
and now has a nasty infection.
There was a young girl from Arabia
Who committed immodest behavia
She's sit in each class
With her skirt round her ass
And smooch at the prof with her labia.
A generous damsel named Marge
When she spied one delightfully large.
Would kick up her heels
And spurning all deals,
Take care of it all without charge.
Houses and Furniture
There was a young man named Adair
Who was having his girl on the stair
In the middle of the poke
The banister broke
And he finished her off in midair.
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
who said "you are utterly wrong"
to say my vagina's
the biggest in china
just because of your mean little dong
There once was a man from Racine,
Who invented a loving machine,
Both concave and convex,
It could please either sex
And pleasure itself in between.
At our last dance a young man named Schlact
Was admired by the girls for his tact.
When he wanted a lay
He would bow low and say
"May I have your next sexual act?"
A modest young lady named Beal
Once protected herself with great zeal
But when she was wedded
The thing that she'd dreaded
Was a boon of enormous appeal.
Men are deceptive
There was a young fellow (a cheater)
Who promised a girl he would treat 'er
To something quite fine,
Even grand or divine
And then all he brought forth was his peter.
To moralists, sex is a sin,
Yet Nature suggests we begin.
She arranged it, no doubt,
That a fellow juts out
In a place where a damsel juts in.
"As for screwing" said Little Miss Muffett
"I proclaim here and now that I love it.
I defy the authority
Of the Moral Majority
They can take all their preaching and stuff it."
There once was a man from Iraq
Who had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection,
He could play a selection
From Johann Sebastion Bach
The Times tells the world what is doing
Who's winning, who's losing, who's suing.
Who's striking, who's stealing,
Who's dying, who's healing.
But won't say a word on who's screwing.
There was an old maid of Duloth
who wept when she thought of her youth
and the glorious chances
she’d missed at school dances
and once in a telephone booth.
There was a young beauty named Mia
Who never quite got the idea
Or who wasn't inclined
With what boys had in mind
Either way they stopped coming to see 'er.
There was a young maid of Altoona
Who said to an ardent young spooner
"It is simply no use
Put me down, turn me loose.
Though I come pretty quick, you come sooner."
There's a luscious young damsel Celeste
Who everyone claims is the best.
But such secondhand views
Only serve to confuse
I prefer a more personal test.
God's plan had a hopeful beginning
But man spoiled his chances by sinning
We trust that the story
Will end in God's glory
But at present, the other side's winning.
There once were two ladies from Birmingham
And this is the story concerning 'em
They lifted the frock
And played with the cock
Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em.
But the Bishop was nobody's fool
He'd been to a good public school
So he took down his britches
And diddled those bitches
With his eight inch Episcopal tool.
But that didn't startle these two,
Why they laughed as the Bishop withdrew,
The Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you!
She wanted to grow up a saint
And her mother, she had no complaint
But men - quite a few -
Were more fun than a pew
So she wanted to be but she ain't!
A young man on the pull said "Too bad."
There's nothing in sight but a lad.
I'll have to retrench
On my plans for a wench
But it does make me feel like a cad.
A Pavlovian student named Zell
Trained girls to respond to a bell
By shedding their clothes
And assuming the pose
He claims that it works very well.
When expecting erotic delight
Make sure that the wine is just right
You should always have red
With brunettes in your bed
But with blondes all you need's a cheap white.